I knew I wasn't the only one
I was a convert to the LDS Church--actually ended up marrying
the missionary who converted me. I began having doubts after my endowment in the temple
before my wedding. I wavered for a few months, but the final straw was a discussion with
my husband's grandfather, during which he explained the idea of godhood. His statements
were backed up fully by Mormon Doctrine, which I began studying to see what the church
really believed.
When I finally decided to leave the church, my husband (who
had married me for time and all eternity), left as well. It seems I was not a suitable
wife since I wasn't going to the celestial kingdom. It was a painful time, and a hard
decision. But finally, I just couldn't continue pretend to believe things that I knew were
unbiblical and untrue.
I'd like to encourage you. It is extremely difficult to leave
the Mormon Church. Many will ask you what sin you have committed to "lose your
testimony." They will encourage you to ignore your doubts, and to push them to the
back of your mind, in order to keep your testimony. In my experience, the doubts are God's
continual way of trying to take off your blinders, and make you open your eyes. It saddens
me to see LDS people walking through life with their eyes tightly closed so they won't
lose their faith.
I would encourage you not to lose your faith in God, however.
It would be easy to become cynical about religion and God in general after experiencing
the manipulations that the Church can put you through. However, the God I know is much
different than the one I knew as a Mormon. The God I worship loves me in spite of my
failings and humanness. He forgives my failings, and gives me the power to serve Him,
rather than demanding perfection. I know that many "born-again" believers are
far from perfect, but again, don't give up on us. There are people out there who have been
through what you are going through, and many of us are more than willing to talk or help
in any way we can.
I have lost a great deal trying to escape, but I can say at
the same time, "I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of
Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them
but dung, that I may win Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness,
which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness
which is of God by faith... (Phil. 3:8-9).
May God bless you in your journey...
Convert who married
a returned missionary
